Dreaming.In.Reality

Lucien has offically been “out” as long as he was “in”. I cannot even begin to tell you how boggled I am about how time has flown by me. The first few days in the hospital learning who this wonderous new creature was are slightly foggy. Memories only brought to the forefront by going through photographs from those early weeks. I avoid doing that however, because it inevitabley makes me cry.

Over the past 9 months, I’ve watched my son grow from the tiniest little Squeaker to a energetic StruggleMonkey. Some days I feel as if I can hardly keep up with him, I laugh when I remember how when he was 2 weeks old and I thought the same. If the me then only had any clue of what was ahead of her. I yearn for tomorrow as our babygate for the living room is being delivered!

Every day is a learning milestone for us all, but the past month has been a big one. He’s been tackling solid foods, learning to crawl, he has his first tooth and his first words (used mostly in context). Sitting unassisted, walking assisted, oh and of course, trying to pull himself up on everything. He’s trying so hard to be Mr. Independant, but at the same time I find him clinging to me because he’s in that stage of not wanting to be left alone. I will admit sometimes I wish he’d let go of my neck, but then I remind myself that this moment is fleeting and possibly tomorrow he will no longer want to hug me close snuggling in as much as he can because only Momma will do.

I find myself saddened by the fact that soon he will outgrow his co-sleeper. It’s one of the first things we did that has made it this far. My breast feeding relationship with Lucien pretty much ended when I went back to work, I tried to keep my supply up but his little distracted self lost interest and weaned about a month ago. I thought nothing of it, a momentary twinge of
sadness here and there, some relief as I no longer had to pump, or take medication, drink tons of water. I could have a bit of myself back again, but now I’m wondering if I should have tried harder. I miss those quiet moments when it was just me and him snuggled up.

We lowered his crib this past Saturday because he was almost able to pull himself up in it. I’ve been having him do his solitary naps in there as he can get out of the co-sleeper if I’m not napping with him. Though most times I just cuddle him up into bed with me for those, take what I can get while I can. Nap transitions are just one more step to him sleeping on his own and I’ll be frank it breaks my heart. I love having him nearby, peeking in on him just by opening one eye, hearing his soft breathing, sometimes his little giggles as he dreams about something quite funny.

Another weekend activity was clearing out his clothes that no longer fit him. For a boy his age, he’s a lean long thing. He’d been fitting into his 3-6 clothes still for quite some time, however I had been noticing that his onsies were pulling low in the front and his pants were starting to look a bit capri like. I have boxed it all up, saving a few select pieces of clothing to put aside for memory’s sake. Soon he’ll also be too big for his swings, he can already sit up in the large one
which makes it stop swinging. The portable swing is more inclined so he has a harder time messing that one up. He’s also outgrowing his jumparoo. Soon it won’t hold any excitement for him as he’ll be crawling efficiently and walking.

The past few months have been a relatively balanced combination of easy and not so easy. As I type this I find my patience being spread thin because he’s overtired, crying himself into a fit because having a nap is no good. Everything we try to give him is met with get lost angry swat. We’ve had a few bouts of illness, a few bumps and bruises. That being said, it’s not been all hardships and trials. The delight we get from his laughs and sound effects is amazing. Currently he makes one that sounds like a cross between a whooping crane in flight and the Predator, it’s quite strange. He’s always got a smile for you even when he’s miserable. He gives us a sense of satisfaction when he can make complete strangers smile just by flashing them that mostly toothless grin. We figure if he can bring joy to someone else just by being wonderfully happy, then the world is just that tiny bit better. The pride we have when he figures out how to do something for himself is overwhelming. And then there is just drinking in the sight of him just being there. I never imagined that I could love as much as I do this kid. I honestly do not have enough words to describe what happens in my heart when I just stop and watch him. My breath catches, my hearbeat skips a beat and the world slows ever so slightly..