Dreaming.In.Reality

I’ve been trying to write this entry for nearly over 2 months now. As much as I need to write about it, part of me would have been happy to just forget to, put it out of my mind. My wonderful Outlook calendar however had other ideas in store. Last night a reminder popped up; reminding me that today was the fourth of December. Leanna’s birthday. She would have been 29 years old.

Leanna was my cousin. Part two of a terrible trio. I am the Ferocious First, she was the Sassy Second and our other cousin Danielle is the Terrible Third. All of us redheads, born within months of each other. Growing up, Lee and Dee were the closest thing I had to sisters. Danielle and I saw each other more as we both lived in Michigan. For most of our lives, Leanna lived in Georgia. I don’t remember exactly when she moved to Michigan, but we were in high school. By that time I didn’t see much of Leanna or Danielle except for family get togethers for birthdays or holidays due to lack of a vehicle and some family drama. In my late teens/early 20s I started visiting with Leanna more. I’d go stay with her at the house, we’d hang out, go to the bar, stay at home chitchatting, watching movies. I stayed the night on those trips. Lots of the time my parents thought I was at my boyfriend’s house, but I wasn’t. I was at Lee’s. They didnt like me driving all the way out to the East side, but I did it anyways.

In 2000, Leanna got married to her long time sweetheart Sam. They had a little boy already, he was almost 2. Shortly before her wedding, like most brides, Leanna wanted to get in shape. Lose weight. She exercised, went on a diet and collapsed in a diabetic coma. She wasn’t in it long, but from all accounts she should have not survived then. But she did. Her and Sam went on to have another son. For years she managed her diabetes, she’d be fine, then not fine. In the hospital, out of the hospital. Her body started to rebel. Organs would shut down, some would be removed. In the past year, she spent more time in hospital than out. She had direct medication ports in her chest to administer drugs right to her system, she had no usable veins. She couldn’t keep food down most of the time. The last time I saw Leanna was this past April, she was in the hospital. It broke my heart to see her there, but I knew I had to see her, because I didn’t know when I’d see her next because of my pregnancy and childbirth coming up.

On September 14, my mom called. All she had to say was “Grandma just called” and I knew it was about Leanna. She had not been feeling well, she told Sam and the boys that she was gonna go lay down and nap before dinner. At dinner time, Sam told their oldest son to get Mom for supper. He came back to the kitchen saying that he couldn’t get Momma to wake up, so Daddy was gonna have to do it. Well, Sam couldn’t either. She had passed during her nap that afternoon.

They didn’t have a funeral, but a really nice memorial service. I wished with all my being that I could have been there, but I didn’t have the means of traveling with my newborn son. I think of her often and of her family. My aunt called me about a month ago… shortly before my mom came to visit. It was awkward, I know she is destroyed by this. While I’m terribly sad and I miss her something fierce, I feel so detached from it. I know she’s gone, but it doesn’t feel like it. Lack of closure maybe? I have no idea. I do know one thing, I feel regret. I should have made more time to see her in the past 5 years I’ve lived in here Canada. There really was no excuse, I should have planned my time better to get out to see her. I never wrote her letters either. She always asked me to write her letters, to which I’d whine that I’ve got terrible handwriting and my life is so dull. She didn’t care, she just wanted to know what I was up to, even if it was just sitting around on my ass all day. She was good like that. She was good in a lot of ways.

Dear Leanna,
I hope you’re doing well wherever you are. I miss you so much. Life here is going as good as it could be expected. Just trying to keep my head above water with housework and learning the ropes of being a mom. I looked forward to sharing mommy stories with you. Lucien is growing so fast, I wish you could have met him. I feel better knowing he’s got one of the best Mommas in the world watching over him as a Guardian Angel. While you are no longer here with us, I know you’re in a better place. Free of pain, free of sickness. Just know that everyone here loves you and misses you. It’s just not right with you gone. Happy Birthday. I love you.

Missing you,
Bex (more…)