i feel like
I’m in a rut.. the past 24 hours I’ve been steadily working on my photography portfolio.. I currently have 3 galleries up.. I hope to have at least MOST of them done by Monday morning.. This is probably the most activity I have done in the past 5 months.. It’s slowly been getting worse.. I know I should be doing other things.. or just anything in general.. but it’s so much easier to just sit here.. Yet, I complain of being bored.. or doing nothing.. but yet.. nothing is appealing to me that much to get up and take action. Since November I’ve gained 15 pounds, I wanted to start working out.. but yet.. here we are nearly 18 days into the new year.. and I’ve done exactly 100 abdomin crunches. I want to have this amazing photography portfolio, but it’s taken me 5 months, just to get past having a splash page.
I feel the clench of living here but not “living” here starting to affect me… It’s something that needs to be taken care of very very soon, but when? Dunno. First of the year, or last fall, last summer, this spring?.. one of those times.. It’ll be 2 years in May that I’ve been here.. but not here.. I can only imagine the fun when I finally get an interview with immigration and explain to them my travel lengths.. and why I’ve been unemployed for what will be going on 3 years in August. I just feel so bleh.. I actually ENVY people for going to work everyday.. how sick is that?*L*I want to contribute to things more than doing the laundry once a week, I want to save up for things we need to save for…. I want to be able to help with my horse.. which is another sore subject with me right now.
His current rider no longer has time.. So we are shit out of luck again on that.. My dad may not have retired at Christmas, but he’s still not in the clear for continueing to work at the company. He’s been graciously paying for Flame since I moved… because he knows I don’t want to sell Flame.. BUT.. if my dad gets fired or layed off.. Flame has to go…. it’s always been there at the back of my mind.. but being that it’s so far out of immediate hand.. the situation doesn’t seem THAT bad. But it is.. and I don’t know what I’m going to do.. because if Flame has to be sold.. I have to move back home for at least 3 months to get him into shape and presentable to potential buyers.. and then I’d be there for ever how long it took to sell him. The only bonus to that scenario , is that I’d be able to work..Granted I’d be living out of 2 suitcases with no room of my own, no privacy, and having to deal with my parents on a day to day basis.. being 25 years old, married and been moved out of the house for 2 years.. that idea really doesn’t appeal to me much.
Sometimes I just feel lifeless.. or lacking one.. something… I need motivation, direction.. Not to feel so useless in the grander scheme of things.. Something’s missing… I think the rain’s leaked in and put out my fire again.. [i]-sighs- [/i] anyone got some dry sticks and a match?
