So today while browsing the tori forumz i found th…
So today while browsing the tori forumz i found this post by St. Theresa.. and had a very much needed giggle. If anyone wonders about the “glued shut CD case”.. Go here to read an article.
So I bought the new album in advance…. And here’s what happened:
1) I couldn’t open the jewel case. It was glued shut. I took a hammer and lightly tapped the case until it cracked. I cut myself getting it open.
2) After cleaning the blood off the carpet, I put the CD in my computer. A huge red warning box flashed and told me that it was unlawful to use the disk in my home computer. My computer shut down, then burst into flames. The CD was ejected and shot across the room.
3) I put the CD in my stereo. Instead of music, I heard a recorded message. It explained that I had not yet registered my copy of Scarlet’s Walk. It said I had to call a 1-900 # and provide the unlock code inscribed on the disk itself. It was only .99 cents per minute. So I called. After approximately 33 minutes, verifying my place and date of purchase, my name, phone number, address, social security number, mother’s maiden name, blood type and favorite color, I was told the unlocked CD would be shipped to my house within 4-6 weeks.
4) I waited. I grew old. Finally, a delivery person came to my door, flanked by a big, burly security guard. He asked me to prove my identity, which required three forms of indentification, fingerprints, dental records and DNA. He said that once I had passed identity requirements, he would return with the CD.
5) Three weeks later, he returned and handed me the CD. But before that, I had to read and sign a 12-page document agreeing not to do all sorts of things with the disk.
6) I put the disk in my stereo. I cranked it up high. Suddenly, an ear-piercing screech filled the room. I thought it was my smoke alarms. But then I heard the following recording: “Warning. Your stereo is set at an excessive volume level. At this level, unauthorized listening of this copyrighted material may result. You must turn your volume down in order to guarantee the rights of the intellectual property owner. Violations are punishable under federal law.” Then there was a pause, and then I heard, “Oh, by the way…please make sure you’re alone in the room when you play this.”
7) It took many attempts, but I finally found a volume level which was not in violation of my purchase agreement. Unfortunately, I couldn’t hear it. So I sound-proofed my house and ordered my children not to breathe. I got on my hands and knees, pressed my ear up against a speaker, held my breath, and I heard it! Well…almost. It was really muffled, but I think I heard something that sounded like a piano and a voice ~ possibly a woman’s.
8) I did this for several days. I got rug burns. Eventually, my hearing adjusted and I was able to pick out a melody. It was very pretty.
9) I got up to go tend to my injured knees. On the way to the bathroom, I hummed the beautiful melody I had just nearly heard. Within minutes, there was a knock at the door. It was the police. I was under arrest for copyright violation. I had the right to remain silent, which, they added, I should have exercised BEFORE I reproduced Tori’s new music without written permission.
10) I’m writing this from jail.
