8:50pm
Ok.. here’s my big post folks.. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long while, but it was never something I always dwelled on till the past 24 hours, when K and I were talking about our roots…and I said that if next week we had to get up and move, that I would have no problems with it. He was surprised and asked me if Ottawa felt like home yet, and in a way it does…but at the same time it doesn’t. BRB.. I’m going to go get something to drink….
11:15pm
ok.. where the heck was i? i have 15 minutes to finish this damn post for today*L* So yeah.. where is “home”? Right now.. I feel as if I don’t have one. Some people say home is where the heart is.. I know I’d never want to live anywhere away from my husband, I always want him with me, but where is my home? I’m not sure. I was born in Detroit, raised partially in St, Claire Shores area.. New Baltimore to be exact.. and then the rest about an hours drive west near Ann Arbor for the rest of my life until a year ago. I don’t remember much about N.B. other than some school memories, which are very few, my best friend Jamie growing up.. some of the childhood accidents one has.. I don’t really feel connected to that area at all.. it’s changed so much anyways that I don’t recognize anything there other than my old house and school. Where my parents live, has always been where I connected my roots to. for about 17 years I lived there. I always said while growin gup that i would never move from that area, that i would stay there.. or if i did move away, i’d always come back..
Exactly a year and a month ago.. I moved to Ottawa, Ontario to take a trial live in with my boyfriend and to see how things worked. We were married at the beginning of April this year. Do I miss my parents? Of course. Do I miss my old hometown? Kinda.. I mean, I miss the familiarity of it. I know every nook and cranny of that city.. I certainly miss the people there.. My friends, my family, the people I used to work with. I miss the quiet, the space.. Being able to drive as much as I wanted to.. I miss my horse and that.. I feel homesick for those things.. but I know I’d never want to live there again. Here in Ottawa, a year later I still only know small bits and pieces. I’m not totally comfortable in the city.. Am I comfortable where I live? Yes.. very much so. But Ottawa isn’t “home”. I love it here, don’t get me wrong.. It’s really nice, I do enjoy being here.. but yeah. Like when I told K I wouldn’t have any issues about pulling up and going elsewhere.. I wouldn’t. I might if I had more friends here, a job, a more established routine and lifestyle.. but I don’t. I technically only have 4 friends here in this city, and yes I would miss them madly, and I would miss the city, but not enough to be homesick.
So I guess I’m feeling a bit lost.. I’ve always been one to desire belonging somewhere.. and right now.. I really don’t have anywhere I belong.. I have no home.. even though I do.. I need grounding.. I need something to plant my feet on and know that THIS is where I belong.. to live with my husband, to raise a family.. that whole happily ever after deal.. but I can’t seem to figure out where in the clouds my castle is.
What about all of you out there? Who managed to get through my jumbled up, noncoherent mess of something I think I didn’t express properly enough to get out what I needed to get out so this may be a few parter depending on the feed back I get. What are your thoughts and opinions on the home and roots and knowing where you belong?
